Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize