Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
