i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
