Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
