a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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