What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
