I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
