she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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