Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
