You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
