I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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