Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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