NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
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