Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
