We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
