can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
