please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
