What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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