Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
