I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
