You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
she smelled like a LAN party
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
