Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
