you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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