so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
