I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
