I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
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