So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
We smell like vodka and hangover
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