I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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