You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Randomize
