I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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