Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
