Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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