I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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