btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
