i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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