How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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