Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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