id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
