New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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