He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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