Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Randomize
