Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
