i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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