I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
