I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
