I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
So much rum. So many feels.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
