his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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