Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize