There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
