Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
