i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
