after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
