Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
