"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
