When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
