you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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