im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
