just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
